She: How come you always park so far away from the store?
He: Easy ingress and egress, my dear.
She: I’m just going to run in and get some milk. Why don’t you wait here? I’m only going to be a minute.
He: I love shopping.
She: No, you don’t. You’ll want to buy a bunch of stuff we don’t need. We’ll be in there for an hour.
He: Did I ever tell you about the time I got locked in a Safeway…
She: Shhhhh.
He: No, it’s a great story. It was closing….
She: Shhhhhh…Do you see that car over there?
He: I may be old and wear glasses, but I’m not blind.
She: See the man in the driver’s seat?
He: Yeah.
She: I think he’s dead!
He: What?
She: I think he’s dead. He hasn’t moved since we got here.
He: Maybe he’s asleep.
She: Who would sleep in his car in the middle of the morning?
He: Maybe someone whose wife has to sleep with all the windows open in the middle of winter! It’s probably toasty warm in there!
She: Shhhh. You have to go check on him.
He: What?
She: Go over there and see if he’s dead.
He: How am I going to know if he’s dead? Maybe he had a heart attack. Maybe there are no visual signs of his demise.
She: Just knock on the window! If he moves, he’s not dead.
He: Great idea. Maybe he’s a stone killer and when I knock on the window--AND WAKE HIM UP FROM A SOUND SLEEP—he’s going to shoot me. Or maybe he’ll think I’m trying to rob him.
She: No. You have to check. Suppose it was you in that car.
He: If I was dead I wouldn’t give a crap. If I was sleeping it would bug me if some moron was knocking on my window.
She: Just do it! I have a bad feeling about this.
He: You have a bad feeling? You’re staying in the car. I’m a sitting duck. I have a bad feeling about this.
She: Please. Just humor me.
He: Oh, brother.
(The sound of a car door opening, of footsteps on pavement.)
He: (Whispering loudly) No blood! I think he’s fine!
She: (Whispering loudly) Knock on the window!
He: Shit. (The sound of tapping on window)
Dead guy: Huh? (Waking) What’s up?
He: I’m really sorry, man, for waking you. My wife over there in the car thought you were dead. You weren’t moving and she couldn’t go on with her shopping or her life, it appears, until she had me check it out. I’m really sorry, man.
Dead guy: It’s cool, bro. I just shut my eyes. I must have fallen asleep. We just had a baby.
He: Been there, man. Go back to sleep. Sorry for bugging you!
Dead guy: Ok.
(Back in the car)
He: Told you. He was asleep. They just had a baby.
She: Who had a baby?
He: The dead guy and a woman, I presume. We haven’t figured out how to do that one by ourselves, yet.
She: Did he show you any pictures?
He: Huh? No. But you can go over there and ask him, I’m sure he’s still awake.
She: How come you kept pointing over this way?
He: I was just showing him how beautiful you are.
She: Funny. I’m going shopping. You’re wasting the whole morning in this stupid parking lot.
He: I’m wasting…. Hey, wait up.
She: You better keep up…
He: Yeah. (Running) So I was in the restroom in Safeway and it was closing and they were shutting the lights off and…
No comments:
Post a Comment