She: I have an announcement.
He: Yes?
She: I’m going to become a man.
He: What?
Son He: Huh?
She: Seriously. I want to be a man. Going to the restroom right now would be so much easier.
Waiter: Will there be anything else?
He: Just our check. Thanks.
She: I’m serious.
He: You haven’t given this much thought, have you?
Son He: I don’t think she has.
She: Gee. It would be so much easier to go to the bathroom standing up.
He: Ok. Let’s review. You’d have to change your anatomy.
She: I could do that.
Son He: Oh, brother.
He: Do you really think standing up would be that much easier? First you have all the seat and lid rules to remember.
Son He: Lift the cover. Lift the lid. Put the lid down. Put the cover down.
He: You have to remember to flush.
She: What’s so hard about that?
Son He: She hasn’t thought about this.
He: First off, you have the aiming issue. Do you actually think we get it all in the toilet bowl every time?
She: I know you don’t.
Son He: Really?
He: Sometimes you have a bad angle. Sometimes you get distracted by a fly. Sometimes there is the aberrant stream that misses the bowl completely. Or it hits the back of the toilet. Or it hits the floor. Or the wall.
Son He: Or the ceiling!
He: Huh?
She: What?
He: He’s younger than me.
Son He: If you miss the mark, you just have to ignore it. Make believe like it never happened.
She: Do you do that at home?
Son He: We have a peeing spot in the backyard.
She: You do?
He: Man secret.
Son He: It’s easier. No rules.
He: But you don’t have to worry at a restaurant!
She: Yuck!
Son He: No rules in there!
He: It’s a freakin’ free for all. You should see the floors!
Son He: Then there’s the Aunt’s house.
She: What?
He: Yeah. She has that fluffy cover on the lid. You can’t prop the lid up without holding it. Having both hands occupied can really throw off your aim.
She: Really?
Son He: Then you think it is going to stay up and you drop your guard and let go. Then the lid falls down in mid-stream and you pee all over the fluffy cover.
She: Can’t you just stop?
Son He: Not in mid-stream!
He: Not healthy.
Son He: You can try to avoid hitting it but then you have the wall problem again.
He: Really bad if you hit the roll of toilet paper.
Son He: Not a problem if you use the peeing spot.
He: Then there is the issue of hitting your pants.
Son He: Zipper issues!
He: Ever seen “There’s Something about Mary?”
She: Ouch!
Son He: Then there is the issue if you have to sit down.
He: Suppose if you become a man you get an apparatus that is really long. It might dip into the water in the bowl.
Son He: Like a sitz bath.
She: That’s disgusting!
He: You’re preaching to the choir, sister!
She: I think I’ve heard enough.
Son He: You just don’t want to sit down because you’re sore from going to the gym.
She: I just thought…
He: It’s not all negative. It does have its up side.
Son He: Games.
She: Games?
Son He: Crossed swords. Dad and I used to play that when I was little.
She: Oh!
He: Distance Olympics. Writing your name. The no hands technique.
Son He: That’s a dangerous one!
He: The sink game.
She: The sink! You’re not serious?
He: I just made that up.
Son He: No, you didn’t. When we were at the hotel and Mom was in the bathroom…
She: Way too much information.
He: Whose side are you on!
Son He: I just think Mom should have all of the info before her surgery.
She: I’m done with this conversation. Just pay the bill while I go to the restroom.
Son He: Which one are you using?
She: The ladies, off course.
He: You don’t have the cojones to use the men’s room.
Son He: Literally. At least not yet!
He: Good one!
She: Good bye. I’ll meet you outside.
He: (To Son He as they’re leaving) Did I ever tell you about the time I dropped my car keys in a toilet in Mexico?…..
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